


My brother thought the hit 90s sitcom "Friends" wasn't gay enough

by spinachlover1337



Category: Friends TV
Genre: Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, fake relationship with real feelings, my brother really likes this fan fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2018-12-27 16:50:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinachlover1337/pseuds/spinachlover1337
Summary: Based on this text from my brother:Joey has his parents over and to impress them, he told them he was married. It’s the holiday season so all the girls are away. Ross won’t help because he’s a bad and disloyal friend. Chandler steps up to plate. They are… fake marriedAlso, this takes place in an AU where everything is the same but gay marriage was legalized in or before the 90s.





	1. It isn't gonna be me

Joey sat down next to Rachel in their usual area of Central Perk.

“Hey Rache, can I ask you for a favour?” he said, leaning forwards with his hands entwined, arms resting on his thighs.

Rachel shot him a sidelong glance from the newspaper she was reading and took a sip of her coffee.

“That depends on what it is, Joey,” she replied. “I know what kinds of favours you usually ask for from us women.” Rachel smirked and cocked her eyebrow.

Joey smiled, shook his head, and separated his hands. 

“No, no, Rache. I just need you to be my wife.”

Rachel swallowed her coffee at an inopportune moment. After she was done coughing, she replied: “You _what_?” Gunther hovered behind the couch, pretending to dry a cup. He was plotting murder schemes that would get rid of Joey and simultaneously daydreaming of rescuing Rachel from dangerous situations. He imagined them all trapped by fire in Central Perk, a wooden beam crushing Joey with no hope of him escaping, and he imagined going back inside to pick Rachel up fireman carry style. Rachel would say, “Oh Gunther, you’re my hero. And you’re also incredibly handsome.” And Joey would die. He looked up at Joey, trying to make eye contact. Joey wasn’t paying attention. _No one pays attention to Gunther_ , Gunther thought.

“It’s not what you think! Just for one day, I’m begging you, Rache, please!”

“What on earth would you need me to be your wife for, Joey? And if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, you had better walk out that door _right_ now Joey.” She pointed at the door.

Joey ran his hand through his hair and ducked his head slightly. “Well, the thing is, my folks are in town for Christmas. I haven’t been getting a lot of jobs lately.” He looked up to see if Rachel was following. Rachel nodded and raised her eyebrows. “So I was trying to get mom and dad thinking I’m doin’ alright.” He looked up. Rachel nodded and raised her eyebrows again. “So I told ‘em, I told ‘em I was married.” He punctuated the sentence by waving his hands. 

Rachel’s mouth fell open. “Nooo!” she said. 

“Yes!” Joey said. 

“Rachel, would you like another coffee?” Gunther said.

“Oh, no thanks Gunther, I’m alright.” Rachel replied.

Gunther nodded. He smiled at Rachel. Rachel smiled back at him politely. _I love Rachel_ , Gunther thought. He turned, and when his face was out of Rachel’s view, he glared at Joey, dragging his index finger along his neck. Joey’s eyes widened. _I hate Joey_ , Gunther thought. Gunther stepped away to handle the till. 

“Did you tell them you were married to _me_?” Rachel asked. 

“No, they just got so excited. My ma has been after me to get a wife since I was old enough to tie my shoes. She’s already talking about grandchildren!” Joey slouched in his seat until his head rested against the back. He turned his head to look at Rachel. “Please, Rache, I’ll never ask you for anything ever again.”

“Joey, even if I wanted to help you,” she raised a finger, “-which I don’t, you got yourself into this mess,” she lowered the finger, “I can’t. I’m going up to my parent’s house for the whole week! Mom wants to celebrate this Christmas ‘as a family.’” She used finger quotes to emphasize “as a family,” then chugged the rest of her coffee. It was cold.

“With the sisters and the parents?”

Rachel looked at him with tired eyes. 

“Extended relatives too.”

Joey stood up to give her a hug. The bells on the door to Central Perk rang,  
signalling the entry of another customer.

“Hiii,” Ross said nasally. “What’s with the pity party?”

“Rache has got to go to a whole family reunion for Santa’s birthday.” Joey replied, sitting back down.

“Well, actually, it’s not Santa’s birthday, it’s the birth of Jesus Christ. A beautiful and special time that only happens once a year.” He spread his hands out and smiled dreamily. “It’s a time to be with family. And, Rachel, as far as families go, yours really isn’t that bad. At least your sisters never _sat_ on you.” His lips parted, the corners of his mouth turned down.

Rachel pointed at Ross. “Didn’t they celebrate Jesus’ birthday when everyone else was celebrating yuletide so they wouldn’t arouse suspicion? I think Jesus’ birthday is really on a different day. Anyway, aren’t you Jewish?”

Gunther happened to walk by. “Rachel is right,” he said. He had no idea whether or not Rachel was right.

Rachel clasped her hands together gleefully, grinning. “Ha!” she said.

Ross looked into the distance and sighed. “Just because I’m Jewish doesn’t mean I can’t know _facts_.” He said the word “facts” louder than he needed to.

“And _my family isn’t that bad_? Have you _met_ my family? My sisters are insane, my parents are divorced, and everyone else is just crazy!” She got more riled up and frantic with every word.

Ross put his hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “Rachel, Rachel, there’s no need to be upset.” Gunther was walking by again. He saw Ross’s hand on Rachel’s shoulder. “Oh, good, it’s Gunther. Gunther, what’s the special today?”

Gunther looked up from Ross’s hand. “It’s lemon loaf.”

“Oh, I hate lemon loaf!” Ross said. Gunther knew this, and the special was actually carrot cake. Carrot cake was Ross’s favourite. Gunther knew this, and he also knew that Ross wouldn’t bother to read the signs. Ross never read the signs. “Alright, how much is it for a black coffee?”

Gunther looked him dead in the eyes. “Twelve dollars,” he said.

“What? It was $2.50 yesterday!” he exclaimed. It was also $2.50 that day. Rachel knew this, but she didn’t tell Ross because he was kind of being a dick. Joey did not know this, and fully believed that one cup of coffee cost twelve dollars that day. Ross dropped his hand from Rachel’s shoulder and sat down. “I’ll just skip coffee today Gunther.” He rested his arm on the back of the couch behind Rachel. 

“Seating is for paying customers only.” Gunther said. “What?” Ross said. “But-“ 

“Paying customers only, Roger.” Ross looked to Rachel and Joey. Rachel pretended to be reading the paper. Joey widened his eyes and shook his head slowly. “Alright, give me some of that lemon loaf.” 

“Sixteen dollars,” said Gunther. “Uh,” Ross sighed, and looked to Joey. Joey implored him with his gaze. “Alright, alright, I’ll pay it.” He handed Gunther a twenty dollar bill. “Our till is broken, and they’ve passed a law in New York that says that we can’t give any change to men over 40 with names that begin with R,” Gunther said as he walked away from Ross with the $20. 

“I’m 31!” Ross yelled. Rachel smiled at the newspaper she was pretending to read. _Economics. I could be an accountant_ , Rachel thought.

“So what’s up?” Ross asked the both of them.

“Well, Joey here wants me to be his wife.” She poked Joey in the stomach.

“Joey, what?” he asked, because they had previously discussed his crush on Rachel and he thought they had a deal that only he would go after Rachel.

Joey reached out a placating hand. “Just for one night!” he exclaimed.

“Joey, _what_?” Ross was getting angry now.

“He wants his parents to think he’s married,” Rachel said, making a small tear in the corner of her newspaper.

“So they think I’m settling. So they think I’m sophisticated. You get it, right Ross?”

Ross’ tension eased. “That d-d-d-, that doesn’t make any sense, Joey!”

“Don’t worry, I turned him down.” Rachel flipped her newspaper to the advice section and started actually reading it.

“Yeah,” Joey sighed. A lightbulb flickered above Joey’s head. “Hey! I got it! Ross, I’ll tell my folks I married _you_!”

Rachel tried to swallow her laughter, but settled for hiding her face behind her newspaper.

“What? I- no! Don’t you need your wife to be, you know, a _woman_?”

“Hey, Ross, it’s the nineties. I could marry a man. Quit living in the past! Come on, please, do it for your old pal Joe?” Joey did his best puppy dog face.

“Didn’t you tell your family you married a _woman_?”

“Well, y’know, after I said I was married, they were just so excited, they told me all these plans, I didn’t even have to make up any details! _Please_ , Ross!”

“Absolutely not.”

“But you’re not even doing anything! I know for a fact you’re in the city to do your fancy-schmancy university research.”

“I said no, Joey.”

“Aw, what am I gonna do!” Joey pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. Rachel raised one eyebrow and looked to the side.

“I don’t know, but it isn’t gonna be me.” Ross replied.


	2. Aren't I?

Joey was walking home, hands in his pockets and head low. He looked up to cross the street, and saw a woman making faces at her reflection in a store window. She turned and faced him.

“Oh, hi Joey!” Phoebe waved energetically.

“Hey Pheebs.” Joey said sadly.

“What’s got you down?” she said, mild concern on her face.

“Well, y’know, I told my parents I was married-“

“So they would think you had your life together. I get it.” She put a hand on Joey’s shoulder. “We’ve all been there,” she said understandingly.

“So you know what to do?”

“Yeah!” Phoebe replied. “You know, since my mom killed herself, and I didn’t know my dad until last year, and my twin sister, Ursula, wants nothing to do with me?”

Joey knew all of this already. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, so when I met my dad, I wanted him to be impressed by me. So I told him I was married.”

“How did you make him believe it?”

“Oh, I set up a whole wedding. My dad was there. I’m actually legally married to Rachel.”

“ _What_?”

“Yeah, she doesn’t know, so don’t tell her. She still thinks it was a funeral for my great aunt. I told my dad we were non-traditional so we could all wear all black. He’s so uncomfortable with lesbians that he didn’t ask _any_ questions. I don’t think he even noticed the casket. And Rachel thinks my family has funeral cakes, and we all sign papers to witness the death so the deceased can pass to the afterlife. Rachel was too confused to question it, and when I call my dad, he desperately tries not to talk about it. It’s great!”

“Oh my god, Pheebs…”

“Yeah! Anyway, you should try asking Monica. I think she might be in town.”

“Alright, I’ll ask her. But you should really tell Rachel about that, Pheebs.”

“I’ll think about it!” Phoebe called, walking away.

\--

Monica answered the door to her apartment warily.

“Mon-“

“I already know what you’re going to ask, and the answer is no, Joey.”

“Come on! You haven’t even heard the whole story yet!”

“Oh yes I have, mister. I heard it from Rachel _and_ Ross _and_ Phoebe!” She waggled her finger at him.

“You wouldn’t believe Phoebe’s whole story,” Joey said under his breath.

“Huh?” Monica replied.

“Listen, Mon, if you do this for me, I’ll owe you a million favours. A million favours for the rest of your life! Anything you want, I’ll do it!”

“Joey, as much as I’d looove to have you at my beck and call, I think that’s too close to having you as my actual husband.”

“Come on, Mon, I’ll cook for you, I’ll clean for you-“

“So you’ll take away everything I live for?!”

“No, Mon, anything you want me to do, I’ll do it!”

“Anything?” Monica asked, a grin slowly spreading on her face.

“Anything.” Joey nodded stoically.

Monica tapped him on the nose. “Stop asking me to pretend to be your wife.” She closed the door in his face.

Joey hung his head back and shut his eyes tightly. “Ohh, what am I gonna do?”

Chandler was just coming up over the top of the stairs when he saw Joey. 

“Oh hey Joe, what’s up?” He was eating Lay’s brand classic chips. “Chip?” He offered Joey the bag.

Joey took a handful of chips. “You know how my folks are in town for the holidays?”

“Yeah?” Chandler scratched his chin. Joey focused on the stubble there for a moment.

“Well, I told ‘em I was married, you know, to impress them-“

“But you’re not married.”

“Exactly! So I asked all the girls to stand in, I asked Rache, Phoebe, Mon, hell, I even asked Ross!”

“You asked Ross?”

“Yeah, and boy, did he reject me good. I didn’t even have a horse in that race.”

“Well, you didn’t ask me, and frankly, I’m offended. Aren’t I husband material, Joe?”

Joey stared at Chandler, mouth agape. He tried to think of reasons why this wouldn’t work, but he was coming up empty.

“You would do that for me, Chandler?”

Chandler punched Joey lightly on the shoulder. “Anything for you, man.”

“Chandler, I appreciate this so much, you have no idea.” Joey shoved the handful of chips into his mouth and went in for a bro hug. Chandler smelled like sweat and cologne.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My computer was being repaired for nearly a week. If you're hiring in the Toronto area, please contact me. I have no standards, as long as whatever you want me to do is arguably legal. You can read my fan fiction ahead of time! Ahahaha...


	3. Of Course

“So what do you need me to do, Joe?”

“What do two people do when they’re married?”

They looked one another in the eye, then avoided looking one another in the eye.

Chandler put one of his hands behind his neck. “Well, married couples, they…” He hadn’t thought of anything to say. He just wanted to break the silence.

“They bicker!” Joey offered. He too was desperate to break the silence.

Chandler folded his hands, then spread them out, offering: “We could bicker.”

“Yeah, we could bicker! Let’s bicker right now Chandler, you and me, let’s go.”

Chandler waved his finger in front of Joey’s face. “You… you… you…”

“Come on, Chandler, what _really_ bothers you about me? There’s gotta be something!”

“You keep leaving your towels on the floor of the bathroom!” Chandler exclaimed triumphantly.

Joey’s face fell, and Chandler’s heart sank. He couldn’t do this. “I’ve stopped doing that, haven’t I?”

“Yeah, you’re good man, I just couldn’t think of anything.” Chandler gestured worriedly. He compressed his lips together. “Did you tell your parents _when_ we got married? Pretend married, I mean.”

“No, they haven’t asked any questions.”

“So then, we could play newlyweds. You can pretend to be in love with me, can’t you?”

“Yeah, I could do that. How you doin’?” Joey winked.

“Aw, c’mere, you,” Chandler said. He gave Joey a light noogie.

“You gotta pretend to be in love with me too, Chandler.”

Chandler inhaled slowly and deeply. Joey didn’t notice. “Alright, Joe.”

\--

“So you and Chandler?” Rachel pointed at Joey and Chandler in turn.

Monica whispered something to Rachel, and she smirked. Chandler shot her a look. Rachel shrugged.

“He was the only one out of all of you who would do this for me. He’s a man I’m proud to call my husband,” Joey said.

“Could I _be_ a better husband?” Chandler said. Joey handed him two sugars for his coffee. Chandler liked his coffee with two sugars, but he drank it black when he was out because he was too anxious that people would look at him while he stirred his coffee at the station.

“You know what, I’m glad none of the rest of you agreed. There’s no one else I’d rather do this with,” Joey said, wrapping his arm around Chandler’s shoulders and pulling him in. Chandler handed him the frosting from his carrot cake. Joey only liked the frosting. He began licking it from the wrapper.

“Shyeah!” Rachel said sarcastically, eyebrows raised and eyes wide. Chandler coughed. Joey was oblivious, enjoying eating straight icing with a few carrot cake crumbs.

Just then Phoebe walked in. She clapped her hands. “Oh my God, Joey and Chandler finally got together??”

“Yes, I am Joey’s _pretend husband_.” Chandler said loudly.

Phoebe looked at Chandler in a way that Joey noticed but didn’t understand. She looked at Joey. “So Monica?”

Monica made an X with her forearms. “No! No way, not in a million years would I be Joey’s wife.” She smiled at Joey. “No offense, Joey.”

“None taken,” Joey said. Having his arm around Chandler put him at ease somehow.

Phoebe took off her coat and sat down. Ross arrived.

“Oh my God,” Ross said. “Chandler, you actually agreed to this?”

Joey answered. “Ross, this is my very best friend in the world,” he tightened his grip on Chandler’s shoulder, “no one will ever top him.”

Rachel whispered to Phoebe, who stifled a laugh. Chandler ran a hand over his face. Joey, as usual, was oblivious.

“I really thought, y’know, a woman…”

“Come on, Ross, it’s the nineties,” Rachel said.

“Yeah Ross, get with the program,” Monica joined in.

“Honestly, Ross, you call yourself a man of science?” Phoebe added.

“A man and a man, a man and a woman, hell, even a woman and a woman, Ross, that’s progress!” Rachel said. Phoebe looked at Rachel then. Rachel was looking at Ross. Ross was looking at Gunther, who was sharpening a knife and making intense eye contact with him. _Why do they have such big knives here_? Ross thought nervously.

Ross looked back at Rachel, then he looked at Chandler and Joey.

“I gotta say, you do make a cute couple,” he said.

“We’re the cutest couple, right, Chan Chan?” Joey grinned at Chandler.

“Could we _be_ any cuter?” Chandler said.

A woman they hadn’t met before walked up to them.

“Hi, I gotta say, it’s so brave what you’re doing,” she said to Joey and Chandler.

Joey raised a hand in the air. “Thank you!” he said. He had no idea what she was talking about, but he wasn’t one to reject a compliment.

“Oh my God,” she said in a thick Boston accent, flapping her hands, “you are just the cutest couple I have ever laid eyes on.”

Chandler smiled tight lipped and nodded. “We’re not-“

“-American.” Joey said. “We’re not American. We’re from Canada. This is my gorgeous husband Chandler.” Chandler looked at him incredulously. Joey leaned in to whisper in his ear. “I’m method acting. _We’re_ method acting.”

“Ooh, Canadian. How exotic!” She cackled nasally. “And you, Chandler, if you were single I could just eat you up with a spoon!”

“I would have to be more than just single!” Chandler exclaimed. The woman cackled again. “Of course, the straight ones are never as handsome!” She waved a hand towards him. Chandler smiled uncomfortably.

“Anyway, I’m Janice. I’m a wedding planner, and I saw you two all lovey-dovey, I thought- well, newlyweds, if you ever want to renew your vows, just give me a call! Here’s my card.”

“We certainly will,” Chandler lied. Joey took the card.

Once she had left the building, Chandler said: “What an awful, awful, awful, awful woman.”

“Come on, Chandler, she wasn’t so bad. Plus, we’ve got someone in mind for when we get married for real!”

Chandler spat a sip of his coffee back into his cup.

“Not to each other, of course.”

“Of course,” Chandler said.

\--

“You’re going to have to tell him eventually, this is going to kill you. Even I can see it, and I’m a bitch!”

“Phoebe, you’re not a bitch. And I won’t tell him.”

“Well why not? What’s the worst that could happen?”

 _What’s the worst that could happen_? “Pheebs, I could lose him forever. He’s my best friend.”

“He’s not like that. Joey isn’t like that. He’s like, the sweetest guy in the world. You should know, you fell for him.”

“Ugh.” Chandler put his head in his hands. “Could I _be_ any dumber?”

Phoebe laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the greatest writer in the world. Also, I have a job now! A regular job I had to get the regular way, but it is above minimum wage hueheuhehe


	4. Friends 'til the end

“Alright, that’s a wrap on set.”

“Oh, finally!” Joey said.

“Except you, Joey. You have to go to wardrobe and see if there’s anything to be picked up.”

“Isn’t that the gofer’s job?”

“Yes, however we’re short staffed today. This isn’t a major production, and you aren’t a major actor.”

Joey was put out. _How do I get out of this_ , he thought. Suddenly, he got an idea.

“Come on, sir. I just got married.”

“That’s not my problem,” the director said.

“But what’s my best- my husband going to do without me?”

The director quirked an eyebrow. “Husband?” he said.

“Yeah, name’s Chandler. Tall, handsome, love of my life. He’s waiting for me at home,” he said. _At least most of that is true_ , he thought.

“The one you live with?”

“That’s the one!” Joey replied triumphantly.

The director grinned at him. “You know, I was trying to wrap this up to get home to my own husband.” He clapped Joey on the shoulder. “But I’ll get this one small errand for you. Go get ‘em, tiger,” he said, and practically skipped away.

_Huh_ , Joey thought, _maybe I should actually marry Chandler. It might be a good career move_.

“You _married_ Chandler?” his co-star said. It wasn’t uncommon for Chandler to drop by wherever Joey was working, usually with a snack or drink in hand for him.

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Joey rubbed the back of his neck and didn’t look her in the eye, but she interpreted it as bashfulness.

“Guys, he married Chandler,” she said. “So they _were_ dating.”

Several members of the cast sighed dramatically. Joey saw some money changing hands. He was quite confused by the whole scene.

His co-star touched him on the arm. “Don’t worry about it, sweetie,” she said. So Joey didn’t worry about it.

\--

Chandler was very worried about it. He was at the studio where Joey was exploring his latest foray into the entertainment industry, and he didn’t know what to expect. At the entrance gate, the worker waved him in. “Oh, Chandler, congratulations!”

Chandler smiled with only his mouth. “Thanks, man.” _My marriage is a fraud_ , he thought. _Wait_ , he thought, _can it be a fraud if it’s not real_? _Does the very fact that it isn’t real make it a fraud_? _Wait, isn’t that the very definition of the word “fraud_? _”_

His thoughts were interrupted by Joey’s co-star, Natasha. “Oh, hi, Natasha,” he said.

“Hey,” she said, bouncing up to stand on her toes. “You’re here to see Joey?” she winked.

“No, Natasha, I’m here to see you,” he said dryly. “I brought you this coffee.” He held out a coffee intended for Joey. It had Joey’s name written on the side.

“You know I can’t drink that. Joey puts in _so much_ cream and sugar.”

“Tell me about it. You wouldn’t believe how much he farts when he’s asleep.”

“I guess you’re used to it by now, huh?”

“What?”

“Y’know, you’re married, you sleep together,”

Chandler blushed bright red.

“ _Natasha_!”

Natasha giggled. “What? I didn’t say anything weird, that’s on you.”

Joey rounded the corner. “Oh hey Chan,” he said.

“Hey Joe.” Chandler replied.

“It’s so cute how you two have nicknames for each other!”

“Like… Joe?” Chandler said.

Joey took a couple huge gulps of garbage coffee.

“Perfect coffee, Chandler. I love you.” Joey gave him a single finger gun with his free hand.

Chandler was dying inside.

“Awwww!” Natasha said.

The director came by. “Hello, newlyweds!” he said.

“Hello… uh… hellooooooooo,” Chandler said. He had no idea who this was.

“My apologies,” said the director. “I’m Edward.” He held his hand out to shake.

Chandler looked at Joey. Joey nodded and gestured. Chandler shook Edward’s hand firmly.

“Ah, a good, firm handshake!” Edward said. “You’re a lucky man, Joey,” he emphasized, looking at Joey.

Joey was lost, however Chandler was blushing. It was the cutest thing Joey had ever seen. He picked such a great guy to be his fake husband.

“Oh, the way you look at him, I can tell you’re in love,” Natasha said to Joey.

Alarm bells went off in Joey’s head. He decided not to think about it.

“Indeed,” said Edward. “I had to come out here to congratulate the two of you! It’s always nice to have visible members of the community.”

“We try,” Chandler said.

“Could we _be_ any more visible?” Joey said.

“Hey, that’s my-“ Mid-sentence, Joey pecked Chandler on the lips. Chandler tried his best to hide his shock. He wasn’t an actor, though, so he did not do a good job.

“We’re not used to public displays of affection,” Joey explained.

“Ah, youth,” said Edward. “If ever you need anything, anything at all, don’t hesitate to contact me,” he said, and gave Chandler his card. Chandler took it. He was on autopilot. He was catatonic.

Joey rested a hand on Chandler’s shoulder, and kissed him on the cheek. “We definitely will. Thanks, Ed!”

\--

“What on earth was that?” Chandler said once they were in his car.

“Sorry, was it too much? I just wanted it to be believable. Also, you’d be surprised at the perks!”

Chandler sighed.

“If it’s too much for you, Chandler, it’s alright I understand.”

“No, no, I said I’d do this, I’ll see it through to the end.”

Joey punched the air happily. “That’s what I’m talking about! Joey and Chandler, together forever! Joey and Chandler, friends ‘til the end!”

“Friends ‘til the end,” Chandler repeated. They fist bumped. _I’m in love with you_ , Chandler thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long, but i have a full time job, i'm studying to go back to school, and i'm starting a career in the entertainment industry. writing... doesn't pay :((( side note: i am really cool and this is the best fan fiction on the internet


	5. He was right

Joey was thinking.

Joey was thinking about Chandler’s mouth.

He had just woken up. He was staring at the ceiling, hands behind his head. He could hear the sound of the TV from the den, and the rattles and thuds of Chandler making breakfast. Chandler made breakfast for the both of them every morning. Joey took it for granted, but he was recently noticing little things about Chandler. He was afraid to face him, and it was 8 AM, which was four hours earlier than he usually woke up. Chandler knew this, but he also knew that Joey wouldn’t mind eating cold breakfast, and that he would probably eat chips and beer otherwise.

Joey sighed. He looked for patterns in his popcorn ceiling, but they all reminded him of Chandler. He sighed again, and stood. He walked to his door, rested his hand on the handle, and listened. Chandler was stirring something in a pan and singing to himself. “Bah bah bah, eggs when you wake up, bah bah bah, eggs to be fried up.” He was making it up as he went along.

Joey opened the door. Chandler looked up from the eggs and said “Oh hey Joe, you’re up early. Something bothering you?”

Joey didn’t look him in the eyes when he said, “Nah buddy, I’m good.”

Chandler pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Well, I’ve got some eggs here for you. Eggs à la Chandler!” He gestured sweepingly.

Joey smiled. “Thanks Chandler. What would I do without you?” He looked at Chandler. They held eye contact for a second.

Chandler cleared his throat. “So, when your parents come into town, do we need to make any special preparations for that?”

Joey also cleared his throat, and wiped his hands on his pants. “Well, we need to think of what questions they might ask. Like you,” he identified Chandler with a wave of his hand, “what kinds of questions do you ask your colleagues when they get married?”

Chandler looked up and to his left, thinking. He looked at Joey. “I just don’t ask,” he said.

“Aw, Chandler, come on, help me out here!”

Chandler looked up and to his left again, thinking. Joey focused on his jawline.

“We could ask the girls,” he said.

“Perfect!” Joey exclaimed. “I’m so glad I married you,” he said, pointing at Chandler.

Chandler turned his face away slightly. “Uh huh.”

\--

“So let me get this straight,” Rachel said, looking at Joey and Chandler in turn.

“You called us down here, all of us,” she gestured to Monica and Phoebe, “to get us to ask fake questions about your fake marriage?”

“Yeah,” Joey replied. “Do it like we really got hitched,” he said, tossing his arm over Chandler’s shoulders. It was becoming a habit.

Phoebe crossed her arms and quirked an eyebrow. “Why wasn’t I invited to the wedding?” she asked.

Joey looked at her, surprised. “No, Pheebs, I meant like-“

“We eloped,” Chandler said. Joey looked at him, surprised, then grinned.

“Yeah, yeah! We eloped! Right on, Chandler.” He gave him a high five.

Gunther came by. He walked very slowly behind Rachel so he could smell her hair. When he saw the way Joey and Chandler were sitting, he relaxed.

“Rachel, Meredith, Phyllis, Jordan, Chandelier, good morning,” he said.

They said scattered good mornings. Gunther nodded and walked back towards the counter.

“That was weird,” Rachel said. “Did you notice how he only got my name right?” Rachel pointed at herself.

“He got Chandler’s name right,” Joey said. Chandler touched him on the shoulder and shook his head. “No he didn’t, Joe,” he said. Joey didn’t look away from him until Phoebe spoke.

“He couldn’t have possibly got my name right,” Phoebe said. “I had it legally changed to Regina Phalange.”

Rachel laughed. “Oh, Phoebe, I’ll never get tired of you!” she said, touching her on the arm. Phoebe smiled at her.

“Do I _look_ like a _Meredith_?” Monica exclaimed.

“No, sweetie, I think you look more like a… like a Jennifer,” Rachel said.

“Hey, yeah!” Phoebe said. “I totally see it,” she nodded, looking at Monica.

Monica leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms. “Ugh!”

Joey gestured to himself and Chandler. “Could you help us out here?”

“Alright, alright, but only ‘cause it’s fun.” Phoebe grinned.

“Can’t imagine a better way to spend my Friday night,” Rachel said sarcastically.

“What makes me look like a Jennifer?” Monica muttered.

“So if we did get married, what kinds of questions would you ask us?” Joey said.

“How’s the sex?” Phoebe said immediately.

Chandler choked, then glared at Phoebe.

Joey chuckled uncomfortably. “I don’t think my parents will ask that, Phoebe…”

“You never know,” Phoebe replied nonchalantly.

Chandler took another sip of the coffee he choked on, and swallowed slowly to avoid choking again. “We’ll just say it’s good, if it comes up.”

Joey cleared his throat. Monica whispered to Rachel, who whispered to Phoebe. Chandler was getting very tired of all this.

Rachel was resting her elbows on her knees, with one hand on her wrist. “Well, who proposed?” she said, waving her arms with her elbows still on her knees.

“Oh, that’s easy. I did,” Joey said.

“I did,” Chandler said at the same time.

They looked at each other.

“You did,” they said.

“How about you propose right now?” Monica said. “Fake propose, I mean. That way, you have a real story to tell ‘em.” Monica swung her fist in front of her torso to drive her point home.

Chandler froze. Joey shrugged and removed his arm from Chandler’s shoulders. He stood and got down on one knee.

“Chandler Bing,” Joey said, looking him in the eyes, “will you do me the honor of being Mr. Joey Tribbiani?”

Chandler stared at him.

“What are you waiting for, say yes!!” Phoebe exclaimed.

Chandler stared at her.

“Come on, Chandler, don’t leave me hanging here,” Joey said.

“Okay,” Chandler managed to choke out.

Joey stood.

“He said yes!” he yelled excitedly. There was scattered applause and cheers from around Central Perk.

“Congratulations,” said Gunther, who they hadn’t heard coming. “Rachel, would you like a slice of cake on the house to celebrate?”

“I, uh, no thanks, Gunther, I’m good,” Rachel said. Once he was out of earshot, Rachel mouthed, “That was weird, right?” to Monica, who nodded her assent. Just then, Ross walked in.

“Hiii,” he said. “Oh, you guys were all here without me? Way to leave a guy out. Oh, good, Gunther!” Ross ran after Gunther.

“Hey, Gunther, I never got that lemon loaf the other day, and, y’know, I paid a lot of money for it.” Ross laughed to alleviate the tension he imagined.

Gunther walked away without acknowledging Ross at all.

“Gunther! Oh man,” Ross said disappointedly, and walked back to the table where all of his friends were sitting.

“So what did I miss?” he asked.

“Well, Joey here just proposed to Chandler,” Monica said, gesturing to the happy couple.

Ross crossed his arms. “It was going that well?” he asked.

Joey sat back down next to Chandler, swung his arm around his shoulders, and pulled him in. “ _Rest your head on my shoulder,_ ” he whispered.

“ _What_?” Chandler whispered.

“ _Just do it, it’ll look more believable_ ,” Joey whispered back.

Chandler rested his head on Joey’s shoulder, confused.

“I’m not sure what’s going on here, but it certainly does look believable,” Ross said.

“See?” Joey said to Chandler. Chandler shook his head where it was resting on Joey’s shoulder, and Joey’s heart skipped a beat.

\--

“Chandler, you know how my folks are coming in next week?” Joey said.

“Yeah?” Chandler said. His head was resting on Joey’s shoulder, with Joey’s arm slung around him. They had taken to sitting that way, even in private.

“I was thinking…”

Chandler was hanging on his words as much as he was hanging on his shoulder.

“You know, my ma, she’s used to seeing the couples in my family being really affectionate?”

Chandler tensed.

“I was thinking, we need to practice, for when-,” he cleared his throat, “for when they’re up here. You know, so it looks natural,” he said.

Chandler lifted his head from Joey’s shoulder to face him directly.

“What… what do you mean by that?”

“Kiss me,” Joey said

“Um.” Chandler swallowed.

“Come on, it’s easy, I kissed you back in front of Ed! Just like this, watch.”

Joey pecked Chandler on the lips. Chandler froze again. Joey gestured to him.

“See, this is what I’m talking about. You gotta be less tense, Chandler. We gotta practice this!”

Chandler unbuttoned his shirt collar. Joey’s eyes lingered on the exposed skin. Chandler was too distracted to notice.

“Uh, Joe, don’t you think we could just hold hands or something?”

“Come on, Chandler, if I knew any better I’d think you didn’t want to kiss me!”

Chandler rolled his eyes. “Wouldn’t it be if you _didn’t_ know any better?”

“Come on, Chandler, I’m a handsome man aren’t I?” Joey grinned and cocked his head to the side.

Chandler sighed. His mind was racing, and to him, there was only one way to get out of the situation.

He kissed Joey.

Joey was kissing him back. He cupped Chandler’s face in his hand. Chandler held Joey by the back of his neck. Joey would pull away only to kiss him again. Eventually, there was a certain part of Chandler that was standing at attention. He stood up and turned away abruptly, ending the kiss.

“I think that should cut it,” Chandler said, trying to flee the scene without making it look like he was running away.

“Hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go!” Joey called after him.

Chandler took a cold shower, then went back into his room. _Joey’s probably already asleep_ , he thought. He lay face down in his bed, hoping the pillow against his nose and mouth would cause him to suffocate.

\--

Joey was not asleep.

Joey was studying his own human anatomy, aided by thoughts of Chandler.

Afterwards, he lay on his side, staring at the wall.

_I think I’m in love with Chandler_ , he thought. He was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merr chrima
> 
> this story is getting real convoluted hope ur into that. hope u like devolving characterization


	6. I guess you will

“Well, today’s the big day,” Joey said, getting his gifts together.

“Yep,” Chandler said. He was nervous, yet relieved that this would be over shortly. He missed the status quo. When Joey was unachievable, stringing girls along, his feelings were much easier to ignore. Having him seemingly in the palm of his hand was too much for Chandler to bear.

“Kiss for good luck?” Joey grinned.

 _You can’t do this to me_ , Chandler thought.

“Joe, save the theatrics for your family,” he said. Joey missed the way his voice wavered.

Joey turned away, disappointed. “Alright,” he said quietly.

“Alright!” Chandler said exasperatedly. He couldn’t say no to Joey. He turned Joey’s face with his hand and kissed him.

Joey smiled wide at him, eyes sparkling. “Now was that so hard?”

 _Yes_ , Chandler thought.

\--

“Oh, come in Chandler, we’ve been expecting you!” Joey’s mom said. “I’m Gloria. _Enchanté_ ,” she said, holding her hand out for him to shake or kiss.

“You- you have?” Chandler asked, too shocked to notice her hand.

“You have?” Joey asked, also shocked.

“Oh of course,” she said, waving a dismissive hand. She looked at Chandler.

“Joey’s always so shy when it comes to these serious relationships. When he stopped bringing around all those floozies, naturally, we’d figured he’d settled for someone. Aren’t many eligible bachelors living with other men, are there, hon?” She pulled Chandler in for a hug, which Chandler used as an opportunity to hide his shocked face.

“So, ma, you really thought that- um, you knew that Chandler and I were together?” Joey asked.

“Oh, of course!” she exclaimed. “I’ve seen the way you two look at each other, I’m not _blind_ ,” she said. “You aren’t Irish, are you?” she said to Chandler, partially blocking the doorway with her body.

Chandler shrugged. “Last time I checked,” he replied.

Joey’s mom leaned her head back and laughed. She faced Joey and pointed at Chandler with her thumb. “You picked a funny one, bambino. Now all you need is some children!”

Joey and Chandler stared at each other. They were having the same thought.

_CHILDREN?!_

“Come in, come in, the table’s all set already, your sisters are here, nonna, nonnie, your father,” she shot Joey a look, and he raised his eyebrows and nodded, “and with you two that’s everybody!”

“Oh, did Cookie finally get out of jail?” Joey asked.

Gloria flattened her mouth. “No…”

Joey also flattened his mouth and nodded.

She moved aside, guiding them into the house.

Chandler went in first. “ _JAIL?_ ” he mouthed at Joey, before turning to walk through the doorway.

Joey was staring at his ass. His mother noticed, and tsk’ed at him.

“You’re going to have to keep it in your pants tonight, Joey. This is a _family_ function.”

Chandler balked.

“Wha- _ma_!” Joey exclaimed.

“Don’t you _wha- ma_ me, bambino. Your father gave me that look before I had every one of your sisters _and_ you,” she replied.

“I’d really like to have this conversation end now,” said Chandler.

Joey put his hand flat on the small of Chandler’s back.

“That’s alright, ma won’t be saying any more of that stuff.” Joey glared at his mother. “ _Right_ , ma?”

Joey’s mother smirked. “No promises,” she said.

\--

“Chandler, I’d like you to meet my sisters, Gina, Tina, Dina, Mary-Angela, Mary-Therese, Veronica, and Cookie is… still in jail. That’s Nonna, and that’s Nonnie. I think you can guess which one Pa is!” Joey said, identifying each of his relatives as he named them. A gruff, Joey-esque old man grunted to acknowledge Joey’s joke.

Chandler nodded, scrutinizing each of Joey’s sisters to try and differentiate them. He had little success.

“If it isn’t my favourite guy in the world!” one of the sisters said. She stood and embraced Joey.

“Little Dina!” He pulled back and held her by the arms. “So proud of you for finishing the other year of college.” He turned to Chandler. “Sweetheart, you wouldn’t believe how smart this one is,” he said, and pointed at Dina.

“Oh, stop!” Dina said, sitting back down.

 _Sweetheart_?! Chandler tried to collect himself without anyone noticing.

After a pause he hoped wasn’t too long, Chandler said: “Yes darling, I’m sure,” while trying to keep his sarcasm at a minimum. Joey looked at Chandler like he was really in love with him.

“Tina, I thought your husband was coming again this year,” Joey said to the sister opposite him.

“Yeah, well he got a restraining order.”

Joey gave her a meaningful look. “We’re going to talk about that later,” he said.

Chandler was not comfortable.

Chandler leaned to murmur in Joey’s ear. “I am not comfortable,” he said.

“You’ll get used to it,” Joey said back quietly.

 

“Joey, you didn’t tell me how handsome your new husband was!” another sister said.

Joey waggled a finger at her. “Don’t you steal this one from me, Mary-Angela,” he said. Mary-Angela pouted.

“Sit down so we can eat!” yet another sister said.

Joey and Chandler finally sat down, side by side.

Joey held Chandler by the shoulder to whisper in his ear. “That’s Veronica. The way to control her is with food.”

Chandler leaned in to whisper “I’ll keep that in mind” back to him.

“Dovrei comprare regali di matrimonio?” said one of the old women sat at the table.

Joey blushed. “Nonna!”

Nonna chuckled. She turned to Chandler.

“Lui è un ragazzo dolce. Ti amerà sempre,” she said.

Chandler floundered.

“… Gracias?” he said.

“I thought you were already married,” Joey’s mother, whose name Chandler had already forgotten, said.

Chandler was quick on his feet from years of being in the closet.

“Officially we’re married, but we have yet to have the ceremony,” he said.

Joey rested his head on Chandler’s shoulder, relieved.

“Thank goodness!” Joey’s mother said, raising her head and hands. “I was afraid that you had celebrated without me!”

“A party without you, ma, is no party at all,” Joey said.

Gloria stepped over to ruffle Joey’s hair.

“That’s my boy,” she said. She paused, and leaned over and ruffled Chandler’s hair.

“I guess I’ll have two boys now, hm, Chandler?”

Chandler looked up at her.

“I guess you will,” he said, heart in his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not speak italian. i did some educated guessing and online translation. if you speak italian, i deeply apologize also if you understand the italian part please tell me what it says because i forgot


	7. Don't do this to me

“See, the whole family loves you,” Joey leaned in and said quietly to Chandler after dinner.

“Well, I-“

“Now, about sleeping arrangements,” Gloria interrupted.

“Uh-“

“You’re going to have to share Joey’s old room, since all the girls are here. I managed to shuffle the girls around so it could be just the two of you, but the bed’s a little small. I’m sure you newlyweds won’t mind, but no funny business.” She shot Joey a pointed look. “The walls are thin,” she said.

Chandler wanted to bury his face in his hands.

“Maaa come on, Chandler’s so sexy!” Joey whined.

“No funny business,” she repeated, walking away.

Chandler was having a coughing fit from choking on his own spit. Joey started slapping him on the back.

“You – cough – you know – cough – you know that doesn’t help, right?” Chandler coughed about six more times to drive his point home.

“Sorry babe,” Joey said.

Chandler kept coughing.

“You know what would make you feel better?”

“What?” Chandler managed to say between coughs.

“Me,” Joey said, waggling his eyebrows.

Chandler glared at him, but was so incredulous and confused inside that he stopped coughing.

“See? I cured ya, Chandler,” Joey winked.

Chandler rolled his eyes.

“The only thing you’re curing me of, Joe, is a sound mind.”

“No funny business,” Joey’s mother repeated. “Here is Joey’s room, good night you two!” Gloria said, and left Joey and Chandler completely alone.

“I’ll take the floor,” Chandler said quietly as soon as Joey’s mom was out of earshot.

“No Chandler, you’re being ridiculous. We’re sharing the bed,” Joey said.

Chandler looked at him, his brows furrowed extensively.

“I got a bad back!” Joey exclaimed. It was a lie, to get what he wanted.

“Alright then,” Chandler said, pretending he was not in love with Joey.

Joey and Chandler, two grown men, climbed into Joey’s childhood single sized bed.

“I’m falling off the bed, Joey,” Chandler said, half his chest hanging off the edge of the bed.

“Here,” Joey said, wrapping an arm around Chandler’s waist and pulling him up.

Joey leaned his head into the dip of Chandler’s shoulder, and Chandler tensed. Within two minutes Joey’s breathing regulated and Chandler realized that he had fallen asleep. Chandler remained awake for some time.

\--

Chandler awoke to feel an uncomfortable object in the bed with him.

“Joey did you—” Chandler reached for the object, thinking Joey had left a snack in there or something. It was warm.

Joey moaned, still half asleep. “Uh walzha thin, can’t do that right now Chandler,” he mumbled.

Chandler stood up immediately and fully awake.

“Sorry Joey, I thought you had a candy bar in there or something,” he said. “I’ll give you some privacy.” He fled.

Joey’s eyes opened a sliver. He realized he was awake, and sat up.

“Is Chandler not attracted to me?” he pondered. “Nah,” he said, and went to the bathroom.

\--

Chandler turned from the bottom of the stairs and walked towards the kitchen, head down and mind occupied.

“Are things cooling down in the bedroom?” Gloria asked, sipping on a cup of tea.

Chandler’s head snapped up. “I—what?” he asked.

“I can hear everything, Chandler,” she said, looking over the rim of her cup and raising an eyebrow. “My Joey would never leave you alone, not with an ass like that.”

“Uh,” Chandler said.

The stairs creaked with the heavy thuds of a man’s steps. Chandler turned to see who it was, grateful for a distraction.

Joey emerged, wiping his eyes with his open hand and hiking up his low hanging pants. Chandler looked at him in a way that made Gloria smirk.

“Hey, Chandler? Why’d you leave all of a sudden? Morning ma,” he said, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek.

“Uh, I wanted to…” Chandler trailed off as Joey turned around, shirtless and drinking orange juice straight out of the carton. “I’m going for a walk,” he said, and left as abruptly as he had before.

“It’s not like you to have them whipped like this, polpetto,” Gloria accused.

“I, uh… are the girls still here?”

“They’ll leave in the evening.”

“I’ll tell you then.”

\--

“Oh, Joey…”

“I know it’s serious when you use my full name, ma.”

“Well… does he feel the same way?”

“I gotta say, sometimes I think so, others I’m not so sure. What do you think I should do ma?”

“Have you tried talking to him?”

“Well… sort of. Only in the context of this whole-” he gesticulated “-this whole thing. You know?”

“I cannot pretend to understand, polpetto.” She ran her hand through his hair.

“Can’t you just tell me what to do ma?”

Gloria smiled. “No, bambino.”

\--

Chandler was pacing in front of Joey’s mother’s front door because he had no idea how to handle himself. He sang Semisonic’s hit song Closing Time quietly to himself.

“You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here…”

Chandler gently banged his head against the doorframe. The door opened, hitting him in the head.

“Augh!” he cried, bringing his hands up to his head.

“Chandler, I’ve got to talk to you…”

“Joey? Joey, give me a minute. I’ve got a bit of a head rush.”

“Take my hand, let’s walk.”

Chandler sighed laboriously. “No one’s watching. I’ll take your arm, Joe.”

Joey was silent until Chandler looked at him, and he took the opportunity to hold Chandler’s gaze.

“As long as you’re next to me,” he said, and he meant it.

“Don’t do this to me,” Chandler thought and said.

“Do what?”

There was a tense silence that Chandler had to be the one to break.

“You know, we can never go back to how we were before.”

“Why’s that?” Joey replied, his world filled with Chandler.

“If we can never go back to how we were, I guess I have nothing to lose…” Chandler muttered to himself.

Joey was too lost to do anything but wait.

Chandler took a sharp breath, held Joey’s arm tighter than he had ever held anything before, focused all of his attention, and said:

“I’m in love with you, Joey.” And he felt the world fall away, and he felt Joey’s arm, and he felt nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my favourite readers, everyone who commented. my favourite reader is my brother, do not tell him i said that


	8. They knew he knew

“Chandler, I- Rachel?!”

“Joey?” Rachel replied.

“Monica?” Chandler exclaimed.

“Chandler?” Monica postulated.

“What are you doing here?” they all said at once.

“Well my ma lives here,” Joey said.

“And I’m uh, with Joey, you know, uh, we were in the middle of something?”

“Well we were-“ Rachel cleared her throat, “-we were just in the neighbourhood, walking around.”

“At 6 AM on Boxing day?” Chandler asked.

“Ye-yes, it’s our boxing day morning walk. We do it every year,” Monica stuttered.

“Right…” Chandler declared, eyeing the two of them suspiciously.

“Hey, I didn’t know you two came up to my old neighbourhood every year! Come on in, we’ll be glad to have you,” Joey said. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel exchanged a brief look of disbelief.

“Alright, you coming in or not?” Joey asked abruptly, irritated by the pause.

“Sure. Yeah,” Rachel said. “Yeah,” she repeated, as if to reassure herself.

“Rachel!” Monica whisper-yelled.

“What am I supposed to say Mon?” Rachel whisper-yelled back.

Their conversation continued via a series of exaggerated hand gestures and closed-mouth screaming.

Joey was holding the door open. “Hey are you gonna come in? I’m letting all the hot out here,” he said exasperatedly. Chandler was shunted off to the side with his arms wrapped around himself and his lips pressed together very tightly.

Rachel all but dragged Monica through the doorway.

Chandler was still outside and it looked like he was going to stay there until Joey said “Chandler, babe, come back in with me,” putting a hand on the small of his back, and Chandler couldn’t think of a viable excuse. _Why is Joey still keeping this up?_ he thought.

\--

“Who are these women? Joey, don’t tell me that you are a polygamist now,” said Joey’s mom.

“Ma, these are two of my best friends in the world, Rachel,” he gestured to Monica without looking, “and Monica,” he gestured to Rachel without looking. “Can you entertain them for a while? I have to talk to Chandler,” he said, as Chandler tried to hide without making it seem too obvious.

Gloria looked them up and down. “You don’t look like a Monica,” she said to Rachel.

“Oh, that’s Joey’s mistake. I’m actually Rachel, and this is Monica, pleased to meet you,” she said, reaching out for a handshake.

“You think my own son would lie to me?” Gloria accused.

“Well, I, uh,” Rachel stuttered.

“Play nice, ma!” Joey called from the other room. Gloria rolled her eyes, but she complied.

\--

“Chandler, about what you said before-“ Joey began, “I-“

Chandler’s head was racing. _Oh god, I’ve ruined this friendship, probably forever. Joey’s trying to let me down easy. I’ve got to get out of here,_ he thought, scanning the room for possible exits. It was then that Gloria chose to interrupt. Chandler’s relief was palpable, but Joey threw his head back in frustration.

“Joey, are all of your friends, you know,” she gestured between him and Chandler, “like you? You know I don’t mind, but you could give your mother a warning,” she said.

“What?” Joey exclaimed. “What are you talking about, ma?” he said incredulously.

“Your friends, Monique and Raquel,” she explained. “I think they are,” she looked around briefly, “Lebanese,” she whispered.

“It’s Monica and Rachel, ma,” Joey sighed.

“And it’s ‘lesbian,’” Chandler replied.

“Pomodoro commodoro,” she said.

“Ma that’s… those two things have nothing to do with each other,” Joey sighed.

She shot him a look. “Don’t speak to your mother like that,” she said. “Anyway, I’m sure there is something between them. I am feeling a… what is it you call it? A bibe?”

“A vibe,” Chandler interjected.

“Yes, this,” Gloria finished smugly.

“You really think so, ma?” Joey asked.

“Joey, really?” Chandler said.

“Ma’s never wrong, babe,” Joey replied. Chandler flushed.

Gloria tousled Joey’s hair. “Such a good boy,” she cooed.

\--

“I can’t _believe_ you dragged us in here!” Monica hissed.

“You know I can’t think on the spot! We have Chandler for that!” Rachel hissed back.

“You called?” Chandler announced, entering the room.

“Oh my God you _summoned_ him,” Monica exclaimed.

“Wait, you know what, this is actually a good thing, Mon,” she said, turning to Chandler, “he might be the only one we can talk to about this…”

\--

“What the fuck,” Chandler deadpanned.

“Yeah, I know, especially the part about Phoebe?” Rachel replied.

“Oh my God,” Chandler said. “Should we tell Joey?” he said.

“I think we should wait,” Monica said.

“Yeah, no, I agree,” Rachel said. “He’s a bit, uh…”

“He’s very handsome,” Chandler said.

Rachel paused, then pointed at Chandler. “Very handsome!” she agreed.

“Yeah, we love him anyway,” Monica sighed. “Good thing he’s pretty,” she murmured.

Chandler and Rachel murmured their accord.

“What did I miss?” Joey asked, eating an apple.

“Uhhh,” Rachel said, looking at Monica.

“Well,” Monica said, looking at Chandler.

“We were just talking about our friend, she’s not here right now, she’s, er, sick?” Chandler managed to get out. He ran his hand down his face because he knew that was a terrible save.

Joey looked at Rachel. “Phoebe,” he said.

And they knew he knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of u are good at calculus, please, hit me up. i wanna be an engineer


	9. Where's Ross?

“We’ve got to find her,” Joey said.

“But where could she be?” Chandler asked.

The doorbell rang.

“That couldn’t be…” Monica said.

“It is!” Phoebe said, throwing the door open.

“WAIT!” Joey shouted, raising his hands as a signal for everyone to stop.

Everyone turned to face him, surprised.

“Before we continue, I don’t think you and I are gonna get a moment alone, so Chandler, I love you too,” he said, putting his hand on Chandler’s shoulder.

“Aww,” Phoebe said, clasping her hands together.

Monica, Rachel, and Chandler’s jaws collectively dropped.

“Anyway, about me,” Phoebe said.

“Phoebe, I can’t believe you! Now we’ve got to get divorce papers, it’s going to be a whole thing,” Rachel whined.

“Well, we don’t _have_ to,” Phoebe said.

Monica snorted. “Yes, you do,” she said, raising a finger.

“Aw, why?” Phoebe asked.

“Well, because,” Monica said, looking at Rachel.

“Because…” Rachel said, looking at Monica.

“Rachel and I are together,” Monica said, taking Rachel’s hand.

Chandler snapped back into the conversation after the shock and revelation of Joey’s confession.

“ _What_ ,” he said.

“Aw, how come you two never told us?” Joey said, wrapping himself around Chandler.

“Because…” Rachel said, looking at Monica.

“Because!” Monica said, raising her eyebrows and looking pleadingly at Rachel.

“We wanted… to keep our relationship… private?” Rachel said, looking at Monica for approval.

“Makes sense,” Joey said.

“You are going to explain this to me later!” Chandler stage whispered to Rachel and Monica.

“Look you guys, I just wanted to have one less thing to worry about, you know?” Phoebe said.

“By tricking me into marrying you?” Rachel exclaimed.

“Tricking is a strong word,” Phoebe said.

“Hey, why don’t you guys all go for a walk or something to sort this out?” Joey suggested. “Give me and Chandler some time to be…” he tilted his head and waggled his eyebrows, “Alone…”

Chandler dragged a hand down his face. “Please don’t do that ever again,” he said.

“You love it,” Joey said.

Chandler looked at Joey’s face, which was coloured with pride. “I do…” he admitted.

Joey and Chandler looked into each other’s eyes for a while, aglow in the other’s attention.

“All right, time for the rest of us to go,” Rachel announced. “Phoebe, Monica, let’s go before we see something we can never forget,” she said.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I wouldn’t mind staying to see that,” Phoebe said, checking out Joey and Chandler.

“Phoebe!” Rachel snapped.

“Okay, okay,” Phoebe said, following Rachel and Monica out the door.

\--

“My Rachel sense is tingling,” Gunther said quietly to himself as he wiped down the counters of Central Perk.

“Sorry, what?” said Ross, failing to order a coffee.

Gunther looked up, made eye contact with the patron, and said, “My Rachel sense… _is tingling_.”

“Is Rachel sense slang for your, uh… you know? Because if it is, you should get that looked at-“

Gunther vaulted over the bar and sprinted out of Central Perk. The sound of clatters and crashes of cups and saucers falling to the floor followed behind him.

\--

“-so I don’t know _why_ I did it, I just did, you know?” Phoebe said.

Monica nodded “I’ve done stuff like that too.”

“But not on this level! Phoebe, I’m starting to think you might need to go to a mental hospital,” Rachel said.

“Never fear, Gunther is here!” Gunther proclaimed. “Rachel, are you in danger?”

“N-no?” Rachel said.

“Oh hi Gunther,” Phoebe said.

“Hi Regis,” Gunther replied.

“Okay, that’s not even close to right,” Phoebe muttered.

“If you’re not in danger, then why was my Rachel sense tingling?” Gunther asked.

“What?” Rachel asked. “What in the world?” she said to herself.

“Oh! Rachel!” Phoebe said, grabbing Rachel’s arm. “Gunther can help us! He officiated our wedding, remember?”

“I did no such thing,” Gunther sniffed.

“Oh?” Rachel said with tentative hope. “Then what did you do?” she asked.

“Crystal here asked me to officiate her wedding funeral,” he said pointing to Phoebe. “I thought that meant she wanted to marry a dead person. I was sort of freaked out so I just read a script I found in a library book about being an officiant. No official documents were signed.”

Rachel threw her head back to look at the sky and quietly thank God. “Oh that is such a relief!” she cried.

“I could really pull off a name like Crystal,” Phoebe said.

Monica wrapped an arm around her. “You really could,” she agreed.

“So this means you’re available?” Gunther asked.

“Yeah, why?” Rachel asked.

Gunther got down on one knee. He took one of Rachel’s hands in both of his. “Rachel, would you do me the honour of-“

“Oh, uh. No. Nooo.” Rachel said. “Thanks Gunther, I’m flattered, but I’m not looking for that kind of connection right now. But… we can be friends?” she said apologetically.

Gunther stood up, brushed of his legs, and cleared his throat. “Friends it is,” he said.

“Wait, Monica, I thought you were with Rachel?” Phoebe said.

“That was… well it doesn’t make sense _now_ but we thought it would get you off Rachel’s back.” Monica replied.

“Off your _back_?” Phoebe enunciated, looking at Rachel with a hurt expression.

“Not like that sweetie! It’s just, when I thought everything was official, I thought it would be easier to get you to sign divorce papers if you thought I was in a relationship.” Rachel said.

“That’s true. I’m not a homewrecker. All that aside though, you and Monica should totally give it a try. You two look great together,” Phoebe said enthusiastically.

Rachel and Monica just looked at each other the way they usually did when Phoebe said something ridiculous.

“But we are both attractive…” Rachel said.

“Very attractive,” Monica said.

“Ooh yay! It’s all happening!” Phoebe exclaimed.

\--

They walked back up to Joey’s ma’s house.

“How much do you want to bet that they’re having sex?” Phoebe asked.

“Phoebe!” Monica reprimanded.

“20,” Rachel said.

They were greeted by Joey’s mom on the porch.

“Do not go in,” she said. “They are having sex.”

_I knew it_! Phoebe mouthed to Rachel and Monica. Rachel rolled her eyes. Monica shook her head.

Joey opened the door, fully clothed and looking very satisfied.

“You’re back!” he said.

“Oh, uh, hey,” stuttered a shirtless Chandler.

“Should I tell them about our exploits, Chandler?” Joey said.

“Please don’t do that,” Chandler said.

_Seven times_ , Joey mouthed. Phoebe gave him a high five.

“I bet you guys could beat that,” Phoebe said, turning to Rachel and Monica.

“Congratulations again to you two,” Joey grinned to the pseudo couple.

Rachel cleared her throat, trying to think of not sexy things.

“Hey,” she said, “Where’s Ross?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe u are still reading this. i really appreciate it thank u. ur comments bring me up when i am down!!
> 
> also i got a new job i am going to be so rich. i'm gonna be in the tax bracket above minimum wage

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this, but I guarantee I enjoyed it more. ;) Updates whenever. Remember to like, comment, and subscribe.


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